Part 14: 2016

Let’s be honest, 2016 was horrible for everyone. So many things happened around the world that just made us go, “really? This is a joke right?” It has been truly unbelievable the terrible things that have happened this year. And it’s been pretty bad for me too. I’ve either been injured, depressed, or sick the entire year. Literally. The past few weeks I’ve been incredibly sick with a sinus infection. Had to go on antibiotics. I’m fairly sure I’ve been sick for months but didn’t listen to the signs. So that’s definitely something that I’ve learned this year, I need to listen to my body. When I’ve been injured or sick this year, I’ve tried to just ignore it and keep pushing on. But that just results in me being injured or sick for even longer. I need to learn to just lay in bed and sleep it off until it’s over. It’s just really hard when I see myself as someone with so many responsibilities. I don’t want to let my pets or my husband down. I want to keep being a strong person. Their rock. But sometimes I don’t want to let myself down either, and it’s hard. It’s so hard for me to accept when I’m not well. I expect so much from myself. I think we as humans are too smart for our own good. But now all I hope for really is that in 2017 I will just be healthy. No sickness, no injuries, minimal depression, PLEASE.

Despite all of the garbage this year has brought, I am finally starting to feel like myself again. Actually, myself but better. The medication I’m on is working wonderfully. I’ve hardly been depressed or anxious. I’m able to push myself in situations that would have made me nervous before. I’ve been motivated, have had a huge drive to work. I’m even a little chatty. It’s so strange. I was so introverted before that I did not enjoy talking to other people at all. Now I will strike up short conversations with people, or at least not respond in a way that tries to end the conversation as quickly as possible. So I’m certainly not an extrovert or anything now, but having small talk with someone doesn’t piss me off and ruin my day. I’ve generally just had a feeling of content. It’s kind of funny really. When I started taking the medication I was like, “wait…what is this feeling? Happiness?!” I felt as though before I was the Grinch, and after my heart grew 3 sizes larger. I felt as though, perhaps, I had never even truly felt happiness before. You know, my life certainly isn’t perfect now. Everything isn’t fixed. But I just feel warm. No longer do I just feel cold and dead inside. I just feel a little warm and fuzzy all of the time. It’s just kinda nice.

I feel like I’m kinda ready for 2017. I’ve resolved nearly every issue I had in 2016. With every problem that I had this year, you know, I didn’t get enough time to train my dog. I did a lot, but not enough. So I sent him to a training place for a few weeks and he’s coming back tomorrow. My sickness is nearly over. I’m excited to see him. I’m motivated, and it hasn’t even been that cold outside. I’m going to get a curriculum together. I bought a planner. I’m just ready to finally have a year where I kick ass… without hurting myself (for once). I think finally everything has fallen into place. It’s kind of incredible, like, I was having issues with some of my neighbors. And by a random turn of events, one of them actually moved away, and the other resolved the issue with us. I couldn’t believe it.

So to be honest, December wasn’t that bad compared to the rest of the year. And actually, my Christmas wasn’t half bad. I decorated, for once, bought a bunch of presents for my husband, we made turkey and watched Christmas movies. It was nice. Halloween wasn’t bad either. Just watched scary movies and ate candy. And in November we went on a quick vacation for our anniversary. My favorite parts was going to an extremely overpriced but fancy restaurant, the king size bed, going swimming, playing lazer tag for the first time, and going to a magic show that had parrots and tigers! Not to mention, we went to an arcade and my husband won hundreds of tickets within 10 minutes. I shouldn’t have been surprised, honestly, because he has always been naturally good at games.

So all of that being said, I am a little worried about not getting in enough time to work in the next year. Like I hardly had time to work this year, but hopefully that was all because of the sickness or whatnot. Definitely my priority is training my dog, and being with my family, but I hope I have time to work and accomplish things outside of that too, because I actually love to work. I love everything that I do. It’s hardly work because it all makes me so happy. I get to be creative, and that’s just my favorite.

So perhaps this has been my most uplifting update so far. Things are looking up. So much has fallen into place. And hopefully 2017 isn’t so deplorable that we have to keep questioning if we exist in the worst possible timeline. That’s it for now. And to my readers, make to sure to have a happy New Year πŸ™‚


Part 13: I’m Sick

This year has been awful. I was injured twice…I started off this year by spraining both my ankles. Then shortly after I recovered from that, my dog smashed my toe nail and I’m still recovering from that. And a few months ago I began my worst period of depression that I’ve ever had. It’s been about four months, and I swear the first two months all I did was lay in bed all day. I didn’t want to do anything, and I didn’t want to be awake because I didn’t want to feel the pain of being alive. I’ve had longer periods of depression, but none have been like this. I have never been so completely unmotivated. I didn’t enjoy doing anything anymore. I didn’t even want to go on the computer, or my phone, or watch tv or do anything that used to be fun. I couldn’t even force myself to do stuff like I used to be able to. If I could somehow force myself to start something, I would usually start to enjoy it or at least get it done, but I couldn’t do that anymore. So it was really just fucking horrible.

Anyway, I started an antidepressant and it’s the only damn thing that got my ass out of bed and out of the fucking house. I’m only saying this because I’m tired of the stigma against medication. Antidepressants are great and I always do so damn well when I’m on them. I have so much progress when I’m on them. I start to finally live the life I want to live. And therapy is fucking awesome and everything, but antidepressants give me that first little push that I need. With how bad I was a few months ago, trust me, that little push was not going to come from within. I was also diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Social Anxiety Disorder, and Major Depressive Disorder, which seemed spot fucking on. Every little sound I heard made me flinch which was why it was so fucking painful to be awake. And leaving the house or the thought of being seen by another person was a huge NOPE. But thank fucking god I’m doing better now. I’m finally starting to feel a little motivated now. I’m taking care of myself, I’m getting out of the house every single day, I’m reading a great book and I’m even going to start doing yoga. I’m still not back to being my complete self, but it’s a start.

So the book I’m reading is fucking amazing. It’s called The Body Keeps the Score, and it’s all about trauma. I’m only about a third of the way into it, so I’m not completely sure what the rest of it will be about, but so far it’s all about the science behind PTSD and all the research that has gone into it. It’s really amazing. There is one quote from the book that stood out to me which is this:

The greatest sources of our suffering are the lies we tell ourselves.

Hits the nail on the head. My greatest source of my suffering, now that I’m in recovery, are the lies I tell myself. I guess I compare myself to other people, people who are completely healthy who don’t have a debilitating mental illness like me. I compare myself to them and then I beat myself up when I don’t live up to those expectations. It especially has to do with age now. Like oh, someone else who is 22 is doing this and that, and I’m not! God, I’m behind in life, etc. But I need to remember that I have a disability and I’m just not going to be like other people. I have to accept this life because it’s all I have. And there are so many things I want to do in life, but I really need to work on being healthy and happy first. Like making YouTube videos or working on this project or that project, though it’s something I really want to do, is just not as important as recovering. So it’s a constant battle with myself. I feel like sometimes I even stigmatize myself. Like I need to just tell myself that I’m sick, that’s the way it is, and I need to deal with it. Because ignoring it and pretending like it’s not there just makes it worse. I just get worse over the years the longer I try to push it away from me.

So that’s that. I’m sick, I’m a sick person and that’s just the way it is. Sometimes you just get a shitty card in life. And sometimes you get a ton of shitty cards, and that’s me. But because I have a fuck you attitude, I’m not going to let that stop me. I’m going to do the best I can. If nothing else, I will strive for success out of spite. And I will get through this, I tell myself, like I always have. I’m a fighter.

I debated if I wanted to share any of this, but fuck it. If this will help anyone else, or help anyone understand mental illness more, then great. I’m tired of the stigma against mental illness, and I’m tired of only people who have a little anxiety sharing their experience. Because there are a hell of a lot of people, like me, who don’t just have a little anxiety, they have a lot. A debilitating, disabling amount. So to anyone who is like me, you are not alone. And to anyone who is completely healthy:

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be Kind. Always.

This stuff is why no matter how angry I am with the world, how much I suffer, how much I hate, I will never be rude or take out my anger on someone who doesn’t deserve it. I will never walk down the street with a look of misery on my face. I will never frown at a stranger. I will always be polite and kind to someone unless they give me a reason to act otherwise. Because you don’t know how much that stranger could be suffering. You don’t know what someone else is going through. And you don’t know if you being a dick to them could be their last fucking straw. So that’s why I always, at the very least, try to smile, even when I’m in so much pain. And anyone who takes their own shit out on a complete stranger can go fuck themselves because that is a damn shitty thing to do.

So all I’m going to do now is keep working on my uphill battle. Sometimes I’ll fall down, sometimes I’ll run miles, but some day I’ll finally reach the top. That’s all I can really do. I’m doing the best I can, and for once that’s not just a lie that I’m telling myself.

But anyway, there’s still a few months left in this year, so I still have a little time to accomplish something. No expectations. Whatever I’m able to accomplish I will try to be happy with. Again, all I want is to be healthy and happy, and anything else I accomplish I’ll just try to see as a bonus. So I’ll try to check back in a couple months with another update. Hopefully it will be better than this one.

Part 12: Progress

So, the year is almost half way over… I can’t believe how fast the time is passing. Anyway, this year is not ending up at all how I wanted it to, but to be honest, I think my expectations were too high. I kinda forgot how ill I am, or maybe I got sicker, I don’t know. I’ve spent a lot of time being sleep deprived, and a lot of time beating myself up this year. I had a great opportunity this year that I had to pass up because of my anxiety. It kind of killed me inside that I couldn’t accept. But I’ve learned to be kinder to myself, and that I just need to focus on getting better, and some day I can try again.

I have to blame my dog for my lack of sleep. Anyone who has had a puppy will understand. He’s 9 months old now, and for the past few months my life has almost completely revolved around him. I decided I needed to get more serious about training him, because for anyone who doesn’t know, I’m training him as a service dog. I should have started getting serious about it sooner, and I’ve made some mistakes, but I’m seeing a lot of progress. And even though he isn’t fully trained, and sometimes he drives me crazy, he still helps me. He’s getting me out of the house every day and I can count on him when I’m sad, so in general I’m feeling a lot healthier. And now that he’s sleeping through the night and I can crate him for a few hours a day, things are getting a ton easier. My cats also turned 1 year old this month, which made me feel pretty sentimental. They are doing great too.

So that’s why I haven’t posted anything in a month. I didn’t really even realize until today. But I think I can start filming videos once a week now. Yesterday I kinda did a test run. I crated my dog and then got ready and was able to film 2 videos. So I think I can commit to that as long as I’m feeling well enough πŸ˜‰

One thing I’ve been thinking about is how different I am from around this time last year. I see a huge difference. I feel so much healthier, and I just, I don’t know, I just feel like I’m moving in the right direction. Things aren’t perfect, but I think I’ve put down the ground work to get there. And even when I fail, I’m able to pick myself back up a lot quicker. So yeah, that just makes me really happy and gives me hope for the future. But I need to remember to be realistic!

Collective Haul β™₯ BlueNotes, Thrifted, & More!

Hey everyone, here is a big collective haul that I did! Here’s the stuff that I’ve gotten over the past 6 months or so! Enjoy!


– Pink Sweater / Thrifted from Value Village
– Striped Sweater / Thrifted from Value Village
– Baseball Dress / BlueNotes / $5
– Plaid Duster / BlueNotes / $10
– Canada Tank Top / BlueNotes / $3
– Plaid Flannel / BlueNotes / $10
– Tank Tops / eBay / $2.95
– Acid Wash Jeans / BlueNotes / $10
– Light Scarf / BlueNotes / 7.99
– Knit Scarf / BlueNotes / $5
– Leopard Scarf / Thrifted from Value Village
– Backpack / BlueNotes / $5
– Necklace / AliExpress /
– 3 Pack Socks / BlueNotes/ $3 / (similar)
– White Socks / eBay / $2.75 / (similar)
– Striped Socks / BlueNotes / $3